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The People in Your Life
How Young and Teenage Children May React
How Adult Children May React
Partners
Intimacy
For many people, family and close friends are the most important sources of
emotional support.
As one man said: "My wife and friends who love me are like a circle. They
form a protective shield around me. I don't know what I'd do without them."
Those who are close to you need understanding as much as you do. It may be
helpful to try to consider how they feel and what they can and can't do. Your
loved ones may need time, just as you do, to adjust to your illness and to
their feelings of confusion, shock, helplessness, or anger. Letting family and
friends know that you want them close and that you need their support will help
them cope with these difficult emotions. For many patients and their families,
sharing feelings and taking the time to say goodbye provide reassurance and
comfort. Don't hesitate to ask your nurse, social worker, clergy, or counselor
to help bring together family members to talk and listen.
Children whose parent, grandparent, brother, or sister has cancer almost always
are aware of a change in their lives. Even very young children sense when
something is wrong. They may be frightened by the changes in their daily
routine or become angry when someone they depend on is seriously ill. They may
worry that they might have caused the illness. It is important to reassure
children that nothing they said, did, or thought caused the cancer and that
someone will be there to take care of them.
Because of these possible reactions, it is best to be honest and encourage
communication. Let your children or grandchildren know that it's okay to ask
questions and that you will answer them as honestly and as thoroughly as you
can. Tell children as much as you think they can understand.
Keep in mind that many young people understand more than we can imagine. In
fact, children who are not told the truth about an illness in the family often
depend on their imagination and fears to explain the changes around them. For
example, they may believe that the family member's cancer is punishment for
something they have said or done. As a result, they may feel unnecessary
anxiety and guilt. Health professionals generally agree that telling children
the truth about an illness reduces stress and guilt. If you find it difficult
to talk with your children or explain your illness, you might want to ask a
close friend, relative, or health care provider for help.
Children need to know that they are still loved and important and that they
will continue to be cared for as before. Perhaps a friend can give some time
and attention to a child who needs comforting, affection, and guidance. Choose
someone the child likes and suggest that he or she help with a special project
or attend an important school event if you cannot; ask a friend or family
member to videotape your child's performance and then view it with your child
when you can enjoy the time together.
Taking the time to listen to a child's triumphs, problems, and fears is
important. This holds true for adolescents as well as for younger children.
Teenagers are sometimes expected to assume responsibilities beyond their
maturity. Try to give them the independence they need, but also be sure to
include them as valued family members.
Your doctor or social worker can guide you to an appropriate counselor if you
think outside assistance would be helpful. Local hospice counselors also are a
good source for helping family members cope.
The potential loss of a parent may change how adult children feel about
themselves, may raise questions and fears concerning their own mortality, and
may affect their views of what is important in life. Adult children also may be
torn by the multiple demands in their lives: roles as parents, children, and
professionals. They can experience feelings of guilt about the limited time
they are able to spend with you.
Throughout your illness, you and your children may have some of the same
emotional reactions. Some of these reactions are shock and depression at the
diagnosis; hope that treatment will work; disappointment, frustration, anger,
and fear when treatment does not work; and grief associated with the changes
and losses that have occurred as a result of the cancer.
As your illness progresses, it will be helpful to share decision-making tasks
with your children. Try to involve them in issues that are important to you,
such as what type of treatment, if any, you prefer or what types of activities
you would like to continue. Sharing these tasks with your children can minimize
conflict and fears that may arise between siblings when other important
decisions need to be made.
Your ability to reach out to your children and openly share your feelings,
goals, and wishes will help them through this time. It also will allow them to
feel that they have contributed positively to making this part of your lives
together the best possible. It may help to remember that just as parents want
the best for their children, children want the best for their parents. Children
want to see that their parents' needs are met in the most compassionate and
effective way possible; no child wants to see a parent suffer.
Communication is a two-way street between you and your partner. Being honest
about your emotions can help you draw support from each other. Loving words,
hugs, and kisses can bring a sense of comfort and closeness. Be realistic about
demands on your partner, who also may be having a difficult time. Your partner
may feel guilty about your illness and any time spent away from you. Another
source of stress for a partner is their changing role in the family. For
example, your partner may need to tackle new duties, such as paying bills or
providing childcare.
Talking things over is especially important if you have been separated by
hospitalization for long periods of time. Sometimes in the absence of their
partners, patients begin to draw support from, and relate more personally to,
members of their health care team. Partners may have a hard time adjusting to
this if they sense they no longer are participating in your care. Your partner
also must take time to meet his or her own needs. If these needs are neglected,
your partner will have less energy, cheer, and support to give. Try to have
other relatives or friends stay with you while your partner attends to the
details of daily life. Some time away from each other will refresh both of you.
You must remember that you didn't spend 24 hours a day together before your
illness. Try, as much as possible, to maintain your relationship in the same
way that you did before.
You may find yourself unable to express yourself sexually as you did before
because of physical changes and emotional concerns. However, this does not mean
that you must deny needs and desires for intimacy. There are many ways to show
love and find satisfaction.
Open, honest communication is the key. Re-examining your attitudes about
intimacy will help you and your partner maintain the closeness, warmth, and
sense of belonging fostered in a loving relationship. Physical satisfaction can
be found in a variety of ways, such as touching, kissing, stroking, and
holding.
Sexual problems may stem from feelings about your medical condition or
treatment as well as from the condition or treatment itself. With patience and
communication between partners, many of these problems can be solved.
Understanding why sexual activity may not be the same as before can prevent
unrealistic expectations and relieve feelings of self-consciousness or anxiety.
Don't be afraid to seek help or advice. You are entitled to all the information
you need or want. You may wish to seek counseling from a professional who
specializes in addressing sexuality issues. Your doctor, social worker, or
other caregivers also may be able to offer some guidance. Or they may be able
to suggest books that deal with sexuality or that offer cancer patients
specific information on this subject.
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